The ball in my closet

  I've been getting rid of tons of stuff !! Jason and I watched this show on living in tiny houses and we both went crazy for it!! It's basically a retirement Goal for us now!! 

  As I was going through my closet, yet again, I found this big Chucky Cheese ball stuffed behind all of my clothes. 

  We went to Chucky Cheese almost two weeks ago . The last time I remember seeing that ball was when we got home and one of my kids was telling another one of my kids to not touch their ball!! Little did I know that this child decided that hiding this ball from their sibling was better than having it out and playing with it. The ball was totally forgotten about and all the fun that could have been had with it, hadn't happened yet!

  As I pulled that ball out and thought over this and giggled a little, I thought that this was a great exsample of how I am about so many things! I wanna hide things so I don't have to share or keep some wonderful things all to myself.

  So next time I'm being stingy with my things or my money or my time, I hope I think of that super cool - green and purple shinning ball, that my child saved up tickets for a year to get, that has been sitting in my closet - unused- unplayed with- and forgotten about. Just with the attitude of it being theirs alone.  I don't know about you but, I would rather play some wall ball !!

 "But do not forget to good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased."  Hebrews 13:16

I have this freedom - let it ring

So today, I tried on a couple of swimsuits . I haven't done this since God pulled me from that yucky bondage almost 2 years ago.  It's a thing that triggers a yucky attitude to my precious body that God has blessed me with. But I wanted to, I was ready:) 

  So, I grabbed a way cute one piece and didn't worry about the size that I grabbed. Peyton came in with me because my girl adores anything to do with new clothing :)  I slipped the suit on and looked in the big dressing room mirror and I smiled. Sure it was a little snug in the thighs, (someday I will move past the jr section racks;) ) my thighs had some beautiful little dimples - as this runs in my family, but I looked and I beamed. I was content in what I saw:). Peyton loved it and I told her how I loved how cute and modest it was but still totally stylish and cute. And she agreed. You can never start to young with teaching your littles modesty;). But at the same time, I want my girl to grow up loving her body- no matter what size or shape she is blessed with. 

  I took the suit off and put it back on the rack and we went on with our shopping. We went and grabbed some coffee and some chips and headed out to do our fun things of the day.

  A couple years or even last year I would have planned out my whole day- week, heck month, on how to not eat and over exercise  in order to "like" what I saw in the mirror and I may have talked to my daughter about it and even said- yuck, I look gross. But, now in this freedom I now live, I was able to leave Target with other things on my mind like my kids, God, my studly man at home working so hard for us to be able make a fun trip to the zoo and pay for my kiddos dental work today. 

  With freedom brings- well- freedom. Freedoms definition is as follows:

  the state of being free or at liberty rather than inconfinement or under physicalrestraint:

exemption from external control,interference, regulation, 

Oh my goodness, I have freedom over the bondage of this sin and it's such a huge relief. Complete freedom of external control and internal control-which truly has lead to a more grateful and content mind set.

  

Coming Soon to Tillamook Oregon! IFGathering 2016

Wow! Can I just say Wow?!!? That is the word to explain what God can do when you tell Him yes.
  As you all know, I was blessed to attend IFGathering 2015, in Salem Oregon, this past February. My precious friend, Amybeth, had invited me to attend the year before and I saved that date for the WHOLE year with massive excitement and anticipation.  To be totally honest, my soul was in need of some attention and I was way thrilled to have a little weekend get away with my bestie. Jesus, Coffee, Pizza, Hotel room, and Amybeth basically sums up my idea of the BEST-TIME-EVER. 
   Little did I know what God was gonna do in my heart that weekend. Basically, it hasn't stopped since.  I've been praying, and studying, and searching, and waiting to see what God was stirring inside me. I knew He was calling me to something bigger. That weekend, I had a little tug that said, "This would be so cool to host in Tillamook." And I thought, "but no, I can't do it. That will be way to much for me." But I prayed, talked with some friends, prayed, and waited.   About a month ago I told Amybeth what my thoughts were and she said this, "Krista, no way. The leader here was wondering if you would be interested in Hosting IF in Tillamook. How cool. And girl, Im praying about co leading with you!"  
  So, here we go Tillamook Oregon!! IF is coming to Tillamook. Please save these dates! February 5-6.  Times and location details will be provided later but save those dates for now!

  What is if?    
        We exist to gather, equip and unleash the next generation of women to live out their purpose.

Vision 

If:Gather

Our 2-day gathering each year brings together women from all over the world to humbly seek God and to equip them to better live out their callings. We seek to model, resource, & empower women so that they create fresh, honest spaces in their local contexts to wrestle with essential questions of faith like: IF God is real… THEN what? We call them IF:Locals. The makeup and mechanics of each IF:Local is unique. There are monthly and annual opportunities to gather with women for prayer, for convening at dinner tables, for processing of Scripture, and for dreaming about what God can do through the laying down of our lives in obedience.

If:Equip We have created a free, simple equipping tool for reading the Bible daily. By providing easy online access to scripture, insight from thought leaders in our generation, and a like-hearted community, we hope IF:Equip will prepare women around the world to know God more deeply and to live out their purposes. We aim to release more holistic equipping materials in 2015.

If:Unleash

We believe in women uniting for healing and reconciliation in homes, neighborhoods and local churches around the world. By partnering with other non-profit organizations and coming specifically alongside women, fostering relationships and utilizing our God-given gifts, we believe that our generation could not only transform hearts but leave a tangible impact on the entire world.

     Check out this link for more details:  IFGathering

 Jennnie Allen is the founder of IFGathering and I just think she is so so so great. She shares that the Lord has called her to "Disciple her generation."  Love seeing my generation stepping up! Check her out Here .

My precious friend Jocelyn has shared her love for IF Here. This woman is incrediable and I'm so thrilled to get to spend some time with her face to face in September at our IFLocal Leaders Conference. This social media friendship is totally over-rated:)

We love Jesus and our child's teacher believes in evolution .

Our son Logan is a 3rd grader this year at our local elementary school.  He's been in the public school system for 4 years now. He came home this year and expressed to us that his teacher believes in evolution.  No, we didn't even bat an eye about pulling Logan out of that class. Let me back up just a little bit.

   When Jason and I became parents, we both were very certain that our kids would go to public school. We both had gone to public school and had also been raised in good Christian homes. Our experience with the public school system had been really good.  We had not felt the pull in any other way for our kids schooling. Once Logan began kindergarten , I was surrounded by a lot of people who had either gone the Christian school route or chose to homeschool their kids. I felt very alone as a Christian sending my kid to public school. Even at times , I felt judged. I started second guessing our choice. Am I doing the right thing, will my kids be safe, and am I failing? I didn't have a core group of friends on this same path as I was at this time. So I looked for a book or a blog of some mom or dad who went the publics school route. I had a hard time finding any blogs! The only blogs I could find were these blogs of these super human, super moms who homeschooled. Which lead me to be even more discouraged. 

 I finally stumbled across a book called "Going public," by David and Kelli Pritchard.  This couple has lead a Young Life group out of Tacoma Washington for years.  So this meant that I finally found a great Christian family whom had sent their kids to the public school and wrote a book about it!!:) I was so thrilled. I ordered and read it in a week!

  What I loved about this book was that the key point of it had everything starting at home!! In our homes, we are to train our kiddos, teach them TRUTH, and get them prepared for life! I felt relieved, refreshed , and content with Jason and my choice in putting our munchkins into the public school.

 Shortly after that, Jason knew he wanted Logan (age 6) to start reading and studying on creation. This was super important for Jason as this is his passion. He love studying truths and backing up the creation story that we believe from the word of God. We ordered a kids version of "Answers in Genisis," by Ken Ham.  " The Answers book for kids." Logan soaked them in and this became a habit for he and Jason every night. (Side note- we just began these books with our daughter Peyton who is now 6.)

  Fast forward to this school year. When Logan came home and told us this about his teacher, the first thing I asked Logan was what he thought about that?Logan was  concerned for his teachers belief. He said the bible is true and he believes in creation. He couldnt believe we came from apes and that we just " happened ." During his whole school year, Logan and I have had many talks on the way to school concerning creation and theology.  As well as talks about this amazing, all powerful God who also wants a personal relationship with us. But we also had a lot of talks about respecting his teacher, even though he doesn't always agree with him on things. Logan later went on to write a paper on "Anti- Evolution," in which he got a 100%. His teacher didn't agree with its points but as Logan had shown him respect all year, his teacher showed him the same respect.

  I understand that some may not agree with our choices in the area of public school or allowing Logan to stay in a class that the teacher taught and believed in evolution. We feel so strongly that our kids need to be raised at home in the truth and trained for the world.  We are pretty set on having this take place as they are still living under our roof.  But please know that we don't take this calling lightly !   Our kids are covered in prayer daily and nightly. I believe so much that the Lord wants them to be the little lights in their classrooms and it really gives me a satisfying joy when I think about it .  Our kids attend the public school but there is no doubt that our kids are "homeschooled" in Biblical truths. 

 "One of the most inportant armaments you must give your children as you send them out the door to the public school is a relationship with God that fills theirs minds" 

  " Let it be said about ourselves and our children here in free North America, that we love God more than normal." - (going public- David and Kelli Pritchard

*****side note:I know other parents have a different calling in the area of homeschooling or private school for their kids . I think it would be so amazing if we as parents fully back each other up in whatever schooling choice we make for our kiddos. How cool would that be?? Let's do it :)

A step in becoming a better mom.

 I've been a mommy for 10 years this coming September. Growing up, all I ever want to be was a wife and a mommy. I'm still so thankful that the Lord has allowed that for me! But- in both mommy hood and wifeyhood, it has been revealed to me how much I really had no clue to what that totally meant in a broader spectrum.

  I had a friend make a comment about one of my littles a month or so ago and it took me off guard. I wanted to just defend my kid and also say, what in the world are you talking about and you have no right to comment on my kiddo that way. I was a little miffed for a while. The "I don't ever wanna hurt someone's feelings" came out in me again and I said nothing. 

  Later that night a big light went off in my head. My heart hurt a little and my stomach was all tied in knots. The reason that person said those things is because I had shared some of my struggles and said things about my kid. My precious kiddo whom I love so very much and would never ever want to crush. 

  I realized that to some point, in my struggle of mommy hood, I had started slandering my own child. I didn't mean to.  I was really searching for wisdom to some point, but none the less- I had! I had allowed my opinion on situations to cause others  to view my kid differently, when frankly this kid is totally normal. 

  As the weeks have followed and I have asked a few friends to hold me accountable, I have made the point of not saying anything about either of my kids that I could not say infront of them. It has been so helpful and has completely changed my heart in so many ways concerning my kids!! 

  I'm always learning, growing, and changing in this crazy life. I just hope that passing on this little bit of wisdom that I have recognized in my own life, can help another amazing mama walking this journey of parenthood :)

Operation Stay-Cation.

 Jason and I have been planning a fun little get away for this spring break. Jason took the   whole week off and I was cramming homes into bulk days. Then life happened and we had to change plans and stay home. I really know better than to make plans and really as much as I wanted to get away and travel - my heart is always more content at home. 

  We decided to make the best of it and try and enjoy this beautiful place we call home! 

We went up to Beaverton on Monday . Enjoyed our favorite restaurant and went to see Cinderella. A sweet movie. My favorite line was:

------Cinderella wisdom--------

My precious friend Amybeth surprised me and planted flowers in my front boxes. I have a black thumb and she is amazing  at growing things .  Felt very special to be served by her.  

 I love cousins and I love friends and I love when friends are like cousins

💛💛

Headed to the beach

What an incredible day at Happy Camp.

Little bit of swimming at our local pool. The best part about swimming at home is you have friends at the pool- even when you don't invite them:)

 The most important thing to me is my family and even though we would have loved to get out of town, relax by the pool in the sun somewhere - being home ended up being just what we needed for our spring break 2015- aka- operation staycation.

A Few Moments

So- my kids really like to play with my camera phone and I love seeing what they have chosen to share with me:)

Makes me smile- so so much.

Logan was involved in his very first science fair and received a first place ribbon! Way to go dude!

We headed up to Wilsonville to visit my older brother Mj and celebrate his 35th bday. It's strange to be writing that age! Time flies. You are the only friend 

that I've  known my entire life -love you bro.

More *peyton moments*

A precious sight for me as I was dusting at one of my clients homes! Made my whole day.

We are having an incredible winter. I sitting out in the sunshine soaking up  the rays as I type this!🙌🙌

Sending off a bday card to grandpa Mark

 I love and hate daylight savings- my love is that the kids play outside til bedtime!!

Peyton had her first friend sleep over with her school and church buddy, Sheridan Thank you Jesus for such a precious little friend for sis.

A random windy Sunday afternoon took down our ball hoop and gave Jason and the kids some entertainment ! "Who can Stand on one leg in the 75 mph wind ." Note that mommy was inside- dry and warm.

Had a sweet visitor this week while her mama was away!

.....and more pey;)

I've been enjoying this sweet little author. Sarah Jio. All her books are based in Seattle and are really cute, simple, light reads. Just what I need after a long day of  Life.

 

 Please be praying for my hubs - it's been a rough winter for him with some health stuff. We would totally appreciate the prayers .

 Thanks for stopping in.

Laying Aside Every Weight and Stregthening My Weak Knees.

 I woke up this morning with the intent of getting up early . But I stayed with my normal routine of hitting my snooze button way to many times and leaving myself about 10 min to get ready before the kids had to be woken up.  I reached for my phone to officially turn off the snooze . Then I went straight to my email.  Thankfully I had showered the night before due to kicking boxing and a late night cleaning job. That bought me some time to read my IF:Equip for the day.  We are going through the book of Hebrews and it's just so so good.
  I read my stuff and went along with my morning, in which I could always use the extra time that I officially set my alarm for. But instead I'm literally running out the door for work and dropping the kids off at school.  After the drop offs and on my way to my first job of the day, I just have this yucky feeling in my heart. Some past sins and struggles were boiling up and I had to turn the radio off and just pray. That God would clear my heart and cleanse my mind and keep teaching me to love people .
  Growing up, my dad constantly would say to me (as I was stomping off) Krista-don't be so offended!  Oh, those words would get me- and offend me even more! But my dad was speaking this truth to me.  I was offended and I still so easily get offended .  I catch myself saying in my head "Krista! Don't be so offended!!" Because I really do see myself as being entitled to things~at times I feel that  I am more righteous because I'm walking with Jesus ~ that my words are wise ~ I get judgemental.
  Then, I get offended when things don't go my way, or I'm not included in something, or by words people may say. I'm so nice to you, why aren't you nice back or even acknowledging my exsistence.  So I react in my heart, offended . And sometimes I let me words just flow instead of praying about them or evaluating my feelings first!
  I want to be better about reviewing situation from other peoples views and shoes. Checking first that maybe their response had nothing to do with me in the first place.  And with the mind set that, this could be just ME. And that is humbling and hard to swallow at times. That I actually could be the problem and my sensitive heart just took it the wrong way. I tend to blame things on everyone or everything other than myself.
   I clean for doctor and his wife and we get into theological discussions here and there. One week we were talking about the statement "the devil made me do it." And Gene told me, "I feel like those words are  just the best excuse for Christians;  when really our finger should be pointing to ourselves  and saying- 'no-I made me do it.' "
  And truly my response is my responsiblity. In my mood of being offended. I'm am responsible for how I am reacting to the events in my life. Not so and so , who had offended me once again.  Just little ol' me.
  As I grow closer to my Savior and He shows me the things that need to be cleaned out, I find myself just on my knees. In confession of these things, sometimes He says, yes, I will take these battles away ! And sometimes He tells me, your heart isn't ready for me to take them and I want to keep growing you through it.   As hard as that is, I just keep thinking of this verse! And this verse just happened to by my IfEquip verse today as well!
  "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of  wintesses, let us also LAY ASIDE EVERY WEIGHT, and SIN WHICH CLINGS so closley, and let us RUN with endurance the race that is set before us......Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your WEAK KNEES, and make straight paths for your feet,  so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed" Hebrews  12:1, 12, 13
   (READ all of Hebrews 12:1-17)

I just keep running to Him. To His word. And He keeps showing me how to lay aside every weight and every sin the clings to me so very closely. And I just keep running. Because I know that in the end, He is there is strengthen my drooping hands and my weak knees . He will make straight my path and I will be healed.  I just can't imagine anything better than that.
   

God-you are Good!

It's a funny thing sometimes, memories of the past. Some of them we remember just a few things about and then there are those things we remember just about every  single detail of.

  It was almost my 30th Birthday and I was so excited to being turning the big 3-0. I had this feeling that my husband was gonna surprise me pretty big and I just was hoping it was something with all of my precious people. 

  We were at home a few days before and my brother and sister in law called to stop by and share some news with us. I wasn't concerned to much. My little niece had being having some tests ran, suggested to her by a dr. They had been going on for  a month or so, in which Morgan had told me all came back ok.   But when they arrived, I could tell that something was not right. Morgan's eyes were blood shot and Ryan seemed weaker than the normal confident standing man he usually was.  We sent the kids back to play and I'm pretty sure I held little Emma darling, who was still a sweet baby at the time. We adults sat on the couch in our living room.  Morgan went on to tell us that they had another call come in regarding Anni's testing that had been done. And that it wasn't the news they expected. Anni had a super rare test ran on her blood(I believe) and something popped up .  They informed Ryan and Morgan that our sweet little Anni had a rare genetic disease called MPS type 3.  I'm sitting there in shock, next to my husband , and I get defensive. What is that? There is no way she can have that. Do they know for sure?  Did they run the test again. And then the natural cheerleader in me wanted to say, It's all gonna be ok. What can we do? How do we cure this? 

  After they explained to us what this disease was, they finished with this fact that the only child they knew that had this , died when she was 6.   

 I felt like I got punched in the gut. No-not my Anni. Not my sweet little niece that is suppose to be best friends with my daughter Peyton . This just can't be.   And we all cried . Because when you don't know what to do and you don't know what to say and your emotions just consume you... you cry.  

  In the time they were at our house, Morgan mentioned that they were trusting God with this. That they knew God had a sovereign plan through it all. That God is still good. 

   4 days later, I turned 30.  Midnight of my 30th Bday, Jason had surprised me with gathering a bunch of my friends and having them surprise me at the local theater to watch the latest Twilight movie premier.  I was surrounded with some of the best ladies in the world! And I just felt humbled and super special. 

  As the  movie starts and goes on, I see Morgan slip out. She didn't return for a while and I got a little nervous for her. I decided to go and check on her. I found her sitting outside on a step. It was a rare dry November night , as we live on the Oregon Coast, but it was still a little chilly. She had her face in her hands.  I sat down beside her as she cried and I put my arm around her. She mourned and grieved as though Anni's life was already gone.  You see, as a mom- Morgan saw it that way, to a certain point. She mourned over the fact Anni wouldn't get married , or graduate from high school, or experience life the way she had. It hurt- a hurt so deep that no one can explain it.  I just listened . I just held her and I just "walked" it out with her. My precious strong, wise beyond her years , friend was mourning the loss of her sweet first born.This bubbly, happy, singing little girl whom we all adored. And I got her. Not to the point of my child being given that same diagnosis but as any mom would- losing a child.

 We are given these paths in life. Some of them are full of our own trials and our own hurts. And then there are some of our paths, we are called to "walk" and lift up others, as they go down their paths of hurts and trials. 

It has been 3 and 1/2 years. I have seen a husband and a wife grow deeper in their marriage, when some people would have ran . I have seen a husband take amazing care of his family and stepping up to this challenge, when lots of men would have left . And I have seen a woman grow in her walk with the Lord like I have never seen before. Morgan could have blamed God and walked away from Him and been super mad at Him. But God, in His grace allowed a peace that surpasses all understanding in my sweet Morgan . She tells me, "And my God, He is still God." Because He really is. 

  This story is not finished yet but today being awareness day - gave me the desire share it, just a little from my side of things. 

 Here is a little more info on what MPS III is : 

MPS III

MPS III (Sanfilippo syndrome)

MPS III is a mucopolysaccharide disease also known as Sanfilippo syndrome. It takes its name from Dr. Sylvester Sanfilippo, who was one of the doctors in the United States who described the condition in 1963.

What causes this disease? 

Mucopolysaccharides are long chains of sugar molecule used in the building of connective tissues in the body.

 “saccharide” is a general term for a sugar molecule (think of saccharin)

“poly” means many

“muco” refers to the thick jelly-like consistency of the molecules

There is a continuous process in the body of replacing used materials and breaking them down for disposal. Children with MPS III are missing an enzyme which is essential inbreaking downthe used mucopolysaccharides called heparan sulfate. The incomplete broken down mucopolysaccharides remain stored in cells in the body causing progressive damage. Babies may show little sign of the disease, but as more and more cells become damaged, symptoms start to appear. 

For WAY more details on this disease - go here MPS lll

Please be in prayer for my sweet niece and family as they continue to walk this journey of MPS. God has already used them in so many ways. And to follow them on their journey check out Morgan's blog here :  Morgan's Awesome Blog

Overcoming My Addiction

  I have started this blog topic several times over the past year. I have a lot of "drafts" in my blog folder on this subject . It's been a hard one for me to be super open about because I don't want to take any pride in any of it and I also hate admitting that I have problems and I need Jesus. But there you go...I have problems and I need Jesus. And basically, He is the only reason that I have been able to over come any of my "issues" and He is the only reason that I can admit that I still have "issues." And even still, as I write, I don't know how I'm gonna say it or share it or talk about it, but here it goes.
  About a year an a half ago, I finally admitted to the fact that I had/have an eating disorder. I have had one, in bits and pieces, since I was probably about 12 years old. I can remember the day it began. I was a little under 12 and I was being compared to another one of my family members, and the words were used, "oh, she is just husky."  I went into the bathroom and I cried...no I sobbed. I never thought of myself that way. I knew that I wasn't a boney little thing but I was totally happy with my body and who I was. That day, I saw a flawed body for the first time and I cried in a bathroom...and I got it all out...I couldn't let anyone see that those WORDS hurt me so much. And I wasn't gonna let anyone know that I was hurt because I didn't want them to know they hurt me because I didn't want them to hurt, because they hurt me. (welcome to my brain...yeah...for real...I'm a mess.)
  Fast forward to my high school years. I averaged about 155-165 pounds. I hated my body, didn't eat lunch (unless it was a poptart...ewwww), I was super insecure physically, and my life was consumed with sports. Like every sport you could do , because I went to a small school and you could do that and I just loved being active:) I never lost weight, gained here and there.  I went through my times of eating, not eating,  over exercising, not exercising, etc. You see, most people think that you have to be super skinny to be labeled with the words "eating disorder." But can I just say that this is totally wrong!!! This was really what was leading me into my years of binge eating, dieting, over exercising, and massive changes in my body(up and down). I would go to my college having lost probably 15 pounds over the summer and then gaining every inch of it back, and then some, by the time Christmas rolled around.  I always had some new "thing" I was doing to lose weight.
  Then, I meet Jason. I was at my highest weight (other than pregnancy) of 175. I just had some major surgery done because of  freak health scare and issue that I had been born with.  I fell pretty hard for Jason, but I mean, have you meet or seen the guy? Can you blame me?  During the time that we started dating and got engaged and got married, I lost like 30 pounds. I didn't do anything to lose the weight other than focusing on was our relationship. I had peace about my body, because Jason loved me for who I was and it just wasn't an issue.
  When we got married, I was 145. My dream weight. Some of you probably think, eck, dream weight. That's huge. But going from 175, it was perfect. Perfect for me. Shortly after,  I got pregnant with Logan. And after having him,  I lost another 10 pounds.
   I have always been super active. I love fitness-I love the disapline of it. And for the first time in my life, I was finally losing weight. Its like, all those years of trying and being soooooo bad to my body, just stopped. And it was amazing....until it wasn't.
   After I had my daughter Peyton, I had this switch click in my head. I say switched because I can't explain it to any other way. But all the sudden I wanted to be super skinny. I wanted to be small and at 135, I wasn't where I wanted to be or could be. So, I set my calorie counter and started getting up early and over exercised my body.  I got to the point that I was eating maybe 1,000 calories a day...and this went on for a long time.  And I justified it in my mind because I looked great. I didn't look to skinny. I was looking beautiful, I was wearing some size 2 pants....For real...size 2!!
 But people, I was not happy. The skinnier I got, the more unhappy and unsatisfied I got with my body. My THIN body. I hated it. I still saw so many flaws. I couldn't see beauty.  I took pics of myself, how could I "fix" those trouble areas on my body.  Before and after pics. I was obsessed with the mirror, with the scale, with my calorie counter, with my exercise bike, and I was CRANKY. Beyond cranky.   First, I am hypoglycemic. So if I don't eat enough protein, I feel sick. And, if I don't eat enough food, I am a big grouch.   I was not a fun person to be around. 
 Around this time,  I ended up going to a Beth Moore conference. She talked about letting go of strong holds. Letting go of these things that have such a hold over our lives. To just turn them over to Jesus. I remember thinking, I want to give this area of  "control" over my body to Him but I don't know how and I am so scared that if I do, He will make me fat again.  For real...reading over that sounds so silly, but seriously. That was my VAIN fear. My self centered fear...that He, my God, my savior, my fighter...would "make me or allow me'' to get fat.
  This eating disorder, it had become a Strong Hold in my life. I couldn't get closer to my Savior. I wanted to, I felt Him calling me back to Him, I knew that I desperatly needed Him to knock down those "chains that so easy entangle me." But I just couldn't release it. My hand was half open and half closed.
  During this time, I hurt my body, I hurt my soul, I hurt others around me because my focus was so on myself that I got bitter, and I got jealous, and I got mad. Mad at other people who may mess up "my schedule" of making myself look better or those whose who looked better than me. Yuck. All I can say is yuck. I ruined some friendships and they won't ever be the same because of it.
 Sin...it takes you deeper than you ever, ever thought you could go and it just keeps taking you deeper until you release it Him.  One night, I was desperate again. I knew , I had to give it to Him. I had to say, Jesus....please, take this from me.  Help me. Purify my thoughts, my mind. Purify my soul. I can't do this anymore and truly live. I just can't.  I felt Him saying.....Tell Amybeth and tell Jason.  I needed Jesus but He wanted to use those two people. Those two people who love me more than anyone else (other than my parents....for real.) Those two people who have walked yuckiness with me and still love me and those people I have walked yuckiness with and by the grace of God...we still all love each other:):)
  We cried together. Jason being a man, loved me...didn't have lots of words. He is my man of not so many word but lots of hugs. He is my man who stands by me. He makes me better and I am so grateful. And he told me...'Krista, I love you. I have always loved you and I love your body and what you look like.'   He is a precious, tender, and humble man...and I still thank and praise the Lord for him.
 And, my best friend....my other tower. Her words of , 'thank you for being so real with me Krista. I know you struggle with this and have struggled with this and I never knew how to talk about it with you. ' Because, people, this is who I was. Those in my life had always known that I was STRIVING to change my body, to change my looks. And those in my life, always loved me for what I looked like, but more for who I was on the inside. Sometimes people who love us, don't know how to help us, unless we admit to the problem itself.
  Telling a couple of people in my life, caused me to be held accountable. And also, showed me that sharing our issues with others, can open our hearts to helping others.
  Eating disorders are real. I am not saying that my "eating disorder" was sin. Because, I really think there is some mental illness that go a long with it.  But that disorder was the start of sin in my life that I couldn't get rid of until I got help.  
    I read this article about how we view ourselves and how we talk about ourselves, that this affects the ones around us. This scared me. I didn't want my son or my daughter to hate themselves the way I did. To hate their beautiful bodies because mom keeps talking about how big her rear-end is or how her love handles are hanging over. Or how she can't stand how she looks in pictures and she always hiding behind people.
  So, I got help. I had an addiction.  I wasn't in so bad that I needed to get professional help. But through, prayer, God's word, some friends- the Lord has helped release me.  I still feel this stuff trickle in here and there  and frankly there are some things I can't do anymore because it triggers that switch in me.
 1. I don't get on the scale. Not like I use to. I get on it maybe once every few months.
 2. I stopped looking at shape or health magazine.  Because it gave me false expectations for myself.
 3. I stopped talking bad about my body. For me and for my daughter.
 4. I started running- weird huh? But in order to run, you have to eat. haha. So it has really helped me.
 5. I pray like crazy- and mediated on the Lord's words which cleans out my soul.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable..if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8
 "Let not your adornment be merely external, braiding the hair, and  wearing gold jewelry and putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart , with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.: 1 pet. 3:3-4
  "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Rom. 12:2
   6. I have a few people that hold me accountable. I need people...no matter what anyone says, we need people in our lives. We need people that speak truth to us, that listen to us, and that encourage us. Find your people!!
 7. I left facebook for a while. It was triggering some of this and it really, really helped me to leave it.

   I'm sharing this because I want the Lord to use my experience to help others. Maybe one of you reading is saying...I get you, I feel you, I've been there, I am there, I don't wanna go there...I don't know where to turn.   It may not be an eating disorder but something else that consumes you.  Start by telling someone. I am here and I volunteer and I would love to pray with you and help you.  If you have any of the below issues, you may need help.  And admitting it and acknowledging it is the first step:

  You may have an eating disorder if you have any of the following issues;
 1. Skipping meals- in order to lose weight
 2. You make yourself barf after eating or you spit out food after eating it
 3. Overeating to the point of making yourself sick
 4.  Go to gym "to burn off that meal" on a steady basis. Going to the gym is amazing and fitness is so important but if it is a mental obession, than you may need help.
 5. Dieting all day and eating all night -
 6.  Getting super mad at yourself if you eat something that you didn't plan on eating or isn't in your "diet"
7. obsessing over calories...like all the time. I still have calories memorized to the tea, for most foods.And it sometimes scares me.  Because it shows me how obsessed I was.
 8. Hating what you see in the mirror-no matter what...thin or over weight. I guess if you just plain hate your body...this could be a sign.

 If you are seeking help:  email: twinklietoes41@hotmail.com- Krista
   Professional help: www.nationaleatingdisorder.org http://nedawareness.org/
      Start by telling someone because it can be more than a serious problem for your soul but it can be very dangerous for you body and heart.

 Another link to review: 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/things-people-dont-understand-about-eating-disorders?sub=3165023_2778423

The day no one knew it was my Birthday.

Well- really about 10 people knew it was my Birthday this year.  Its a funny thing, leaving facebook, after being on it for like 7 years and have 300 Bday wishes for 7 years to the all the sudden slow little trickle of text messages, some knew and some were reminded.
  Leaving facebook has been this eye opening thing for me. I started this little journey with the idea that 1. God wanted me off and 2. it was triggering sin in my life that I just needed to CUT off and that was the best way ever.   BUT, God has used this FB cut off to really show me how SELF centered I really am and was. I want people to know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, where I went, how LUCKY I am, how amazing I am, and I wanna know what EVERYONE else is up to as well.
   And I told Jason about a month into it, my real challenge will be when my Birthday hits and no one has the reminder pop up on their page. I wasnt gonna get all those messages of praise and admiration and full of compliments. I wasn't gonna have the random person that I hardly knew, yell across the school pick up zone, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTA- which would then also alert others that its my bday and more random text messages would flow in til the about midnight and a couple the next day as well:)  I love attention. I am not gonna lie and say I don't. Because, frankly, I love praise. I love it when people notice me and acknowledge me. 
  There is this thing about Birthdays. You see, growing up my mom made us feel like this day was our National Holiday. In fact, for a while I had this pen that said "It's Krista's Birthday." It was probably bought for me because we NEVER could find my name on ANYTHING, but still. Im pretty sure I just threw that pin away like last year. No joke:)  My parents went all out. We probably celebrated for like a week and since my brother and I had Bdays 3 days apart, it was seriously no joke in our family. My dad would come in to school with a hot pizza for me to share, basically until I was a Senior in Highschool. And for those of you who didn't grow up in the country, you don't realize that the closest Pizza joint at this time was like 25 miles away. So my dad drove up to LC or Tilly and brought a pizza to my school lunch.
  I think it was when I was like 22 that I realized that my Bday wasn't really as amazing as my parents made it. (Though I think they really just loved and love me that much and don't you even think that I don't do the same THING for my kids and man, because I wouldn't have had it any other way.)
  But it did set me up a little to really really really like that focus on my day. So, this year, I woke up on November 18th. I had a few text messages from my parents, my husband, my brothers, and my best friend. The rest of the day was super quiet. I really did feel a little sorry for myself." EVERYONE forgot me", I thought to myself." People don't really love me or care about me because they can't even remember my DAY without Facebook or someone reminding them." I think by the end of the day, I put a picture of the card my BFF sent me and then I had a few messages flow in.
  The next day I was so convicted of my self focus and self centeredness the day before.  Realizing even more how much the Lord really needs to be working on my Heart.  Because I can say all I want about how its ok, I don't need anyone to notice me or say anything to me or compliment me. But really, there are a lot of times that it hurts me when no one does. 
 Lord may our focus be so on you that on days we seek self gratification and complete focus on ourselves, that your word would penetrate our hearts to take an about face,  and turn our focus back on you. Seeking you for wisdom on how to do this. I just want to Seek that widsom with the outcome of Humility.
  James 3:13-15
  "Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior, his deeds in the gentlesness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes from about but is earthly, natural and demonic."

What's it gonna cost??

This is a question that is always at the top of my list,in almost every single area in my life.

 1. Am I enough?

 2. Are we gonna be safe?(my family)

 3. What's it gonna cost?

 This weekend, I was invited by one of my dearest friends, to attend a podcast retreat called "If Gathering- local" The fabulous, Jennie Allen, went to Numbers 13:27-33 and put out the above questions. Let me just tell you- those top 3 questions are the story of my life!!

 Am I enough God? I can't speak or sing in front of people, I get so nervous that I'm sick , I  am an awful reader, I can't teach, I'm not a very good dresser, and I just am not enough God!

  Are we gonna be safe? Can my kids handle a crazy schedule, can I juggle all my other things in life, will my husbands faith be behind me?

 And WHATS IT GONNA COST??? 

 This is the biggest one! Will my family survive, will our bed times be messed up(for real people), will I have to many nights away(my intervert personality longs to stay in my own space at the end of the day), will I have to get up early, will people think it's ok, will people still like me, will people come, will I look ok, will I have enough money, will I still have time to run....what's it gonna cost me Lord?!? 

  This weekend , I feel like God stirred my heart- He said- Krista Lenae Motsinger (because saying my full name tends to get my attention more) get off your rear end and trust me! Start believing my promises - start believing that I  am always good - start actively walking by faith and no longer just staying in the boat of insecurities and "what's it gonna cost me " waves. 

 I have a call to believe - not just my salvation call but a call that is actively trusting God-in every area- especially out of my comfort zone. 

  To conclude with some more Jennie Allen wisdom- do I just wanna have a life that is relying on "SIGHT" or do I wanna have a life that's labled "SOULS SAVED."

  All it takes is a little mustard seed of faith. 

 God- whatever the cost!!! 

    Really people, I've gotta be honest- it scares me to death to say those words- but it scares me even more to not say these words and look back some day and see all the blessings in life that I missed out in because I was so scared of the cost. 

  

Mercies

So thankful for new mercies every morning .

January and blogging break

I didn't post much in January. Was getting the conviction of talking about "myself" way to much. So I posted- deleted - posted -deleted .

 Here's how our month was:

We have had an amazing winter! 

Logan working on his books of the bible for Awana.

Dropped my iPhone and it didn't like it😘

Been mowing our yard- in the dead of winter because it had been so warm !

Logan's favorite recess thing- four square 

I was a plumber and then Jason had to be a plumber because I did something wrong - lol

Logan started his first year of basketball, that has teams and games, and he is in love!

Peyton created some "frozen" nails

Kind of blurry but Peyton's reading is taking off and she is loving reading to her big brother :) 

More Awana work for this boy!

Pey saved her money up for a really cute frozen watch .

Every once in a while I get a morning off and go enjoy some of Gods creation !

I love Pacific City.

Pey and her super long locks

One of my favorite running views. So lucky to live in the country .

Evening at the beach

Nothing like a little sand between my toes

Making progress in areas of my life because of Jesus and a couple of good friends.

 

Another amazing running view.

Who needs snow! Sledding in the sand is just as fun and less cold:)

man - I have a nice looking family 

 

Did I mention I love the beach ??

Oh hey good looking ;)

Logan made it to the 100 point club!!! 

Blessings from the coast