Saturday, February 28, 2015

God-you are Good!

It's a funny thing sometimes, memories of the past. Some of them we remember just a few things about and then there are those things we remember just about every single detail of.

It was almost my 30th Birthday and I was so excited to being turning the big 3-0. I had this feeling that my husband was gonna surprise me pretty big and I just was hoping it was something with all of my precious people.

We were at home a few days before and my brother and sister in law called to stop by and share some news with us. I wasn't concerned to much. My little niece had being having some tests ran, suggested to her by a dr. They had been going on for a month or so, in which Morgan had told me all came back ok. But when they arrived, I could tell that something was not right. Morgan's eyes were blood shot and Ryan seemed weaker than the normal confident standing man he usually was. We sent the kids back to play and I'm pretty sure I held little Emma darling, who was still a sweet baby at the time. We adults sat on the couch in our living room. Morgan went on to tell us that they had another call come in regarding Anni's testing that had been done. And that it wasn't the news they expected. Anni had a super rare test ran on her blood(I believe) and something popped up . They informed Ryan and Morgan that our sweet little Anni had a rare genetic disease called MPS type 3. I'm sitting there in shock, next to my husband , and I get defensive. What is that? There is no way she can have that. Do they know for sure? Did they run the test again. And then the natural cheerleader in me wanted to say, It's all gonna be ok. What can we do? How do we cure this?

After they explained to us what this disease was, they finished with this fact that the only child they knew that had this , died when she was 6.

I felt like I got punched in the gut. No-not my Anni. Not my sweet little niece that is suppose to be best friends with my daughter Peyton . This just can't be. And we all cried . Because when you don't know what to do and you don't know what to say and your emotions just consume you... you cry.

In the time they were at our house, Morgan mentioned that they were trusting God with this. That they knew God had a sovereign plan through it all. That God is still good.

4 days later, I turned 30. Midnight of my 30th Bday, Jason had surprised me with gathering a bunch of my friends and having them surprise me at the local theater to watch the latest Twilight movie premier. I was surrounded with some of the best ladies in the world! And I just felt humbled and super special.

As the movie starts and goes on, I see Morgan slip out. She didn't return for a while and I got a little nervous for her. I decided to go and check on her. I found her sitting outside on a step. It was a rare dry November night , as we live on the Oregon Coast, but it was still a little chilly. She had her face in her hands. I sat down beside her as she cried and I put my arm around her. She mourned and grieved as though Anni's life was already gone. You see, as a mom- Morgan saw it that way, to a certain point. She mourned over the fact Anni wouldn't get married , or graduate from high school, or experience life the way she had. It hurt- a hurt so deep that no one can explain it. I just listened . I just held her and I just "walked" it out with her. My precious strong, wise beyond her years , friend was mourning the loss of her sweet first born.This bubbly, happy, singing little girl whom we all adored. And I got her. Not to the point of my child being given that same diagnosis but as any mom would- losing a child.

We are given these paths in life. Some of them are full of our own trials and our own hurts. And then there are some of our paths, we are called to "walk" and lift up others, as they go down their paths of hurts and trials.

It has been 3 and 1/2 years. I have seen a husband and a wife grow deeper in their marriage, when some people would have ran . I have seen a husband take amazing care of his family and stepping up to this challenge, when lots of men would have left . And I have seen a woman grow in her walk with the Lord like I have never seen before. Morgan could have blamed God and walked away from Him and been super mad at Him. But God, in His grace allowed a peace that surpasses all understanding in my sweet Morgan . She tells me, "And my God, He is still God." Because He really is.

This story is not finished yet but today being awareness day - gave me the desire share it, just a little from my side of things.

Here is a little more info on what MPS III is :

MPS III

MPS III (Sanfilippo syndrome)

MPS III is a mucopolysaccharide disease also known as Sanfilippo syndrome. It takes its name from Dr. Sylvester Sanfilippo, who was one of the doctors in the United States who described the condition in 1963.

What causes this disease?

Mucopolysaccharides are long chains of sugar molecule used in the building of connective tissues in the body.

“saccharide” is a general term for a sugar molecule (think of saccharin)

“poly” means many

“muco” refers to the thick jelly-like consistency of the molecules

There is a continuous process in the body of replacing used materials and breaking them down for disposal. Children with MPS III are missing an enzyme which is essential inbreaking downthe used mucopolysaccharides called heparan sulfate. The incomplete broken down mucopolysaccharides remain stored in cells in the body causing progressive damage. Babies may show little sign of the disease, but as more and more cells become damaged, symptoms start to appear.

For WAY more details on this disease - go here MPS lll

Please be in prayer for my sweet niece and family as they continue to walk this journey of MPS. God has already used them in so many ways. And to follow them on their journey check out Morgan's blog here : Morgan's Awesome Blog

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Overcoming My Addiction

I have started this blog topic several times over the past year. I have a lot of "drafts" in my blog folder on this subject . It's been a hard one for me to be super open about because I don't want to take any pride in any of it and I also hate admitting that I have problems and I need Jesus. But there you go...I have problems and I need Jesus. And basically, He is the only reason that I have been able to over come any of my "issues" and He is the only reason that I can admit that I still have "issues." And even still, as I write, I don't know how I'm gonna say it or share it or talk about it, but here it goes.
About a year an a half ago, I finally admitted to the fact that I had/have an eating disorder. I have had one, in bits and pieces, since I was probably about 12 years old. I can remember the day it began. I was a little under 12 and I was being compared to another one of my family members, and the words were used, "oh, she is just husky." I went into the bathroom and I cried...no I sobbed. I never thought of myself that way. I knew that I wasn't a boney little thing but I was totally happy with my body and who I was. That day, I saw a flawed body for the first time and I cried in a bathroom...and I got it all out...I couldn't let anyone see that those WORDS hurt me so much. And I wasn't gonna let anyone know that I was hurt because I didn't want them to know they hurt me because I didn't want them to hurt, because they hurt me. (welcome to my brain...yeah...for real...I'm a mess.)
Fast forward to my high school years. I averaged about 155-165 pounds. I hated my body, didn't eat lunch (unless it was a poptart...ewwww), I was super insecure physically, and my life was consumed with sports. Like every sport you could do , because I went to a small school and you could do that and I just loved being active:) I never lost weight, gained here and there. I went through my times of eating, not eating, over exercising, not exercising, etc. You see, most people think that you have to be super skinny to be labeled with the words "eating disorder." But can I just say that this is totally wrong!!! This was really what was leading me into my years of binge eating, dieting, over exercising, and massive changes in my body(up and down). I would go to my college having lost probably 15 pounds over the summer and then gaining every inch of it back, and then some, by the time Christmas rolled around. I always had some new "thing" I was doing to lose weight.
Then, I meet Jason. I was at my highest weight (other than pregnancy) of 175. I just had some major surgery done because of freak health scare and issue that I had been born with. I fell pretty hard for Jason, but I mean, have you meet or seen the guy? Can you blame me? During the time that we started dating and got engaged and got married, I lost like 30 pounds. I didn't do anything to lose the weight other than focusing on was our relationship. I had peace about my body, because Jason loved me for who I was and it just wasn't an issue.
When we got married, I was 145. My dream weight. Some of you probably think, eck, dream weight. That's huge. But going from 175, it was perfect. Perfect for me. Shortly after, I got pregnant with Logan. And after having him, I lost another 10 pounds.
   I have always been super active. I love fitness-I love the disapline of it. And for the first time in my life, I was finally losing weight. Its like, all those years of trying and being soooooo bad to my body, just stopped. And it was amazing....until it wasn't.
   After I had my daughter Peyton, I had this switch click in my head. I say switched because I can't explain it to any other way. But all the sudden I wanted to be super skinny. I wanted to be small and at 135, I wasn't where I wanted to be or could be. So, I set my calorie counter and started getting up early and over exercised my body. I got to the point that I was eating maybe 1,000 calories a day...and this went on for a long time. And I justified it in my mind because I looked great. I didn't look to skinny. I was looking beautiful, I was wearing some size 2 pants....For real...size 2!!
But people, I was not happy. The skinnier I got, the more unhappy and unsatisfied I got with my body. My THIN body. I hated it. I still saw so many flaws. I couldn't see beauty. I took pics of myself, how could I "fix" those trouble areas on my body. Before and after pics. I was obsessed with the mirror, with the scale, with my calorie counter, with my exercise bike, and I was CRANKY. Beyond cranky.   First, I am hypoglycemic. So if I don't eat enough protein, I feel sick. And, if I don't eat enough food, I am a big grouch.   I was not a fun person to be around.
Around this time, I ended up going to a Beth Moore conference. She talked about letting go of strong holds. Letting go of these things that have such a hold over our lives. To just turn them over to Jesus. I remember thinking, I want to give this area of "control" over my body to Him but I don't know how and I am so scared that if I do, He will make me fat again. For real...reading over that sounds so silly, but seriously. That was my VAIN fear. My self centered fear...that He, my God, my savior, my fighter...would "make me or allow me'' to get fat.
This eating disorder, it had become a Strong Hold in my life. I couldn't get closer to my Savior. I wanted to, I felt Him calling me back to Him, I knew that I desperatly needed Him to knock down those "chains that so easy entangle me." But I just couldn't release it. My hand was half open and half closed.
During this time, I hurt my body, I hurt my soul, I hurt others around me because my focus was so on myself that I got bitter, and I got jealous, and I got mad. Mad at other people who may mess up "my schedule" of making myself look better or those whose who looked better than me. Yuck. All I can say is yuck. I ruined some friendships and they won't ever be the same because of it.
Sin...it takes you deeper than you ever, ever thought you could go and it just keeps taking you deeper until you release it Him. One night, I was desperate again. I knew , I had to give it to Him. I had to say, Jesus....please, take this from me. Help me. Purify my thoughts, my mind. Purify my soul. I can't do this anymore and truly live. I just can't. I felt Him saying.....Tell Amybeth and tell Jason. I needed Jesus but He wanted to use those two people. Those two people who love me more than anyone else (other than my parents....for real.) Those two people who have walked yuckiness with me and still love me and those people I have walked yuckiness with and by the grace of God...we still all love each other:):)
We cried together. Jason being a man, loved me...didn't have lots of words. He is my man of not so many word but lots of hugs. He is my man who stands by me. He makes me better and I am so grateful. And he told me...'Krista, I love you. I have always loved you and I love your body and what you look like.' He is a precious, tender, and humble man...and I still thank and praise the Lord for him.
And, my best friend....my other tower. Her words of , 'thank you for being so real with me Krista. I know you struggle with this and have struggled with this and I never knew how to talk about it with you. ' Because, people, this is who I was. Those in my life had always known that I was STRIVING to change my body, to change my looks. And those in my life, always loved me for what I looked like, but more for who I was on the inside. Sometimes people who love us, don't know how to help us, unless we admit to the problem itself.
Telling a couple of people in my life, caused me to be held accountable. And also, showed me that sharing our issues with others, can open our hearts to helping others.
Eating disorders are real. I am not saying that my "eating disorder" was sin. Because, I really think there is some mental illness that go a long with it. But that disorder was the start of sin in my life that I couldn't get rid of until I got help.
    I read this article about how we view ourselves and how we talk about ourselves, that this affects the ones around us. This scared me. I didn't want my son or my daughter to hate themselves the way I did. To hate their beautiful bodies because mom keeps talking about how big her rear-end is or how her love handles are hanging over. Or how she can't stand how she looks in pictures and she always hiding behind people.
So, I got help. I had an addiction. I wasn't in so bad that I needed to get professional help. But through, prayer, God's word, some friends- the Lord has helped release me. I still feel this stuff trickle in here and there and frankly there are some things I can't do anymore because it triggers that switch in me.
1. I don't get on the scale. Not like I use to. I get on it maybe once every few months.
2. I stopped looking at shape or health magazine. Because it gave me false expectations for myself.
3. I stopped talking bad about my body. For me and for my daughter.
4. I started running- weird huh? But in order to run, you have to eat. haha. So it has really helped me.
5. I pray like crazy- and mediated on the Lord's words which cleans out my soul.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable..if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8
"Let not your adornment be merely external, braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry and putting on dresses, but let it be the hidden person of the heart , with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.: 1 pet. 3:3-4
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Rom. 12:2
   6. I have a few people that hold me accountable. I need people...no matter what anyone says, we need people in our lives. We need people that speak truth to us, that listen to us, and that encourage us. Find your people!!
7. I left facebook for a while. It was triggering some of this and it really, really helped me to leave it.

   I'm sharing this because I want the Lord to use my experience to help others. Maybe one of you reading is saying...I get you, I feel you, I've been there, I am there, I don't wanna go there...I don't know where to turn.   It may not be an eating disorder but something else that consumes you. Start by telling someone. I am here and I volunteer and I would love to pray with you and help you. If you have any of the below issues, you may need help. And admitting it and acknowledging it is the first step:

You may have an eating disorder if you have any of the following issues;
1. Skipping meals- in order to lose weight
2. You make yourself barf after eating or you spit out food after eating it
3. Overeating to the point of making yourself sick
4. Go to gym "to burn off that meal" on a steady basis. Going to the gym is amazing and fitness is so important but if it is a mental obession, than you may need help.
5. Dieting all day and eating all night -
6. Getting super mad at yourself if you eat something that you didn't plan on eating or isn't in your "diet"
7. obsessing over calories...like all the time. I still have calories memorized to the tea, for most foods.And it sometimes scares me. Because it shows me how obsessed I was.
8. Hating what you see in the mirror-no matter what...thin or over weight. I guess if you just plain hate your body...this could be a sign.

If you are seeking help: email: twinklietoes41@hotmail.com- Krista
   Professional help: www.nationaleatingdisorder.org http://nedawareness.org/
Start by telling someone because it can be more than a serious problem for your soul but it can be very dangerous for you body and heart.

Another link to review:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/things-people-dont-understand-about-eating-disorders?sub=3165023_2778423

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The day no one knew it was my Birthday.

Well- really about 10 people knew it was my Birthday this year. Its a funny thing, leaving facebook, after being on it for like 7 years and have 300 Bday wishes for 7 years to the all the sudden slow little trickle of text messages, some knew and some were reminded.
Leaving facebook has been this eye opening thing for me. I started this little journey with the idea that 1. God wanted me off and 2. it was triggering sin in my life that I just needed to CUT off and that was the best way ever. BUT, God has used this FB cut off to really show me how SELF centered I really am and was. I want people to know what I'm doing, how I'm feeling, where I went, how LUCKY I am, how amazing I am, and I wanna know what EVERYONE else is up to as well.
And I told Jason about a month into it, my real challenge will be when my Birthday hits and no one has the reminder pop up on their page. I wasnt gonna get all those messages of praise and admiration and full of compliments. I wasn't gonna have the random person that I hardly knew, yell across the school pick up zone, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTA- which would then also alert others that its my bday and more random text messages would flow in til the about midnight and a couple the next day as well:) I love attention. I am not gonna lie and say I don't. Because, frankly, I love praise. I love it when people notice me and acknowledge me.
There is this thing about Birthdays. You see, growing up my mom made us feel like this day was our National Holiday. In fact, for a while I had this pen that said "It's Krista's Birthday." It was probably bought for me because we NEVER could find my name on ANYTHING, but still. Im pretty sure I just threw that pin away like last year. No joke:) My parents went all out. We probably celebrated for like a week and since my brother and I had Bdays 3 days apart, it was seriously no joke in our family. My dad would come in to school with a hot pizza for me to share, basically until I was a Senior in Highschool. And for those of you who didn't grow up in the country, you don't realize that the closest Pizza joint at this time was like 25 miles away. So my dad drove up to LC or Tilly and brought a pizza to my school lunch.
I think it was when I was like 22 that I realized that my Bday wasn't really as amazing as my parents made it. (Though I think they really just loved and love me that much and don't you even think that I don't do the same THING for my kids and man, because I wouldn't have had it any other way.)
But it did set me up a little to really really really like that focus on my day. So, this year, I woke up on November 18th. I had a few text messages from my parents, my husband, my brothers, and my best friend. The rest of the day was super quiet. I really did feel a little sorry for myself." EVERYONE forgot me", I thought to myself." People don't really love me or care about me because they can't even remember my DAY without Facebook or someone reminding them." I think by the end of the day, I put a picture of the card my BFF sent me and then I had a few messages flow in.
The next day I was so convicted of my self focus and self centeredness the day before. Realizing even more how much the Lord really needs to be working on my Heart. Because I can say all I want about how its ok, I don't need anyone to notice me or say anything to me or compliment me. But really, there are a lot of times that it hurts me when no one does.
Lord may our focus be so on you that on days we seek self gratification and complete focus on ourselves, that your word would penetrate our hearts to take an about face, and turn our focus back on you. Seeking you for wisdom on how to do this. I just want to Seek that widsom with the outcome of Humility.
James 3:13-15
"Who among you is wise and understanding? Let him show by his good behavior, his deeds in the gentlesness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth. This wisdom is not that which comes from about but is earthly, natural and demonic."

Monday, February 9, 2015

What's it gonna cost??

This is a question that is always at the top of my list,in almost every single area in my life.

1. Am I enough?

2. Are we gonna be safe?(my family)

3. What's it gonna cost?

This weekend, I was invited by one of my dearest friends, to attend a podcast retreat called "If Gathering- local" The fabulous, Jennie Allen, went to Numbers 13:27-33 and put out the above questions. Let me just tell you- those top 3 questions are the story of my life!!

Am I enough God? I can't speak or sing in front of people, I get so nervous that I'm sick , I am an awful reader, I can't teach, I'm not a very good dresser, and I just am not enough God!

Are we gonna be safe? Can my kids handle a crazy schedule, can I juggle all my other things in life, will my husbands faith be behind me?

And WHATS IT GONNA COST???

This is the biggest one! Will my family survive, will our bed times be messed up(for real people), will I have to many nights away(my intervert personality longs to stay in my own space at the end of the day), will I have to get up early, will people think it's ok, will people still like me, will people come, will I look ok, will I have enough money, will I still have time to run....what's it gonna cost me Lord?!?

This weekend , I feel like God stirred my heart- He said- Krista Lenae Motsinger (because saying my full name tends to get my attention more) get off your rear end and trust me! Start believing my promises - start believing that I am always good - start actively walking by faith and no longer just staying in the boat of insecurities and "what's it gonna cost me " waves.

I have a call to believe - not just my salvation call but a call that is actively trusting God-in every area- especially out of my comfort zone.

To conclude with some more Jennie Allen wisdom- do I just wanna have a life that is relying on "SIGHT" or do I wanna have a life that's labled "SOULS SAVED."

All it takes is a little mustard seed of faith.

God- whatever the cost!!!

Really people, I've gotta be honest- it scares me to death to say those words- but it scares me even more to not say these words and look back some day and see all the blessings in life that I missed out in because I was so scared of the cost.